Big Penises and Other Lies Midlife Women Are Done Believing

The patriarchy's mascot revealed: why midlife women need to say "no more" in the name of liberation

The “big penis” is the perfect mascot for all the cultural nonsense we never stop to question. For women in midlife—already drowning in judgments, contradictions, and impossible standards—questioning isn’t just a choice.

It is a reclamation of our lives.

Last week, I talked about the mascot for midlife women: the headless woman. This week, the patriarchy’s mascot takes center stage.

This rant was sparked by an episode of Dying for Sex. During a sexual encounter, a man drops his pants to reveal he is very well-endowed. I was instantly irritated. Whenever a man’s anatomy is highlighted, it’s always the same: larger-than-life, practically glowing, and presented as if all the pleasure hinges on his dimensions.

I mentioned this to Dominique, creator of The Fictive Kin Chronicles and Impolite Society: A Romance & Revolutionary Practice Learning Guild. In the countless romance novels she’s read, a visualized man is almost always a “big” man.

As one commenter of this reel put it: “Damn, I want romance, not death.”

@authorrachelrener

Author Rachel Rener on Instagram: "When you're reading a random…

Funny? Yes. But the metaphor goes deeper than a poorly written romance novel. The big penis is a disturbingly accurate metaphor for the societal “shoulds” we’re expected to smile through. They tend to be:

• Loud and over-celebrated.

• Centered in the story, even when they aren’t actually helpful or the main character.

• Assumed to be impressive just by existing.

When we prioritize these “big” cultural prizes over our own needs, something has to give. Usually, it’s us. We trade our vitality for their validation, watching parts of our own identity die to make room for norms we never even asked for.

Me, successfully winning a prize I never actually wanted.

If you’re also winning prizes you didn’t want, subscribe to Midlife Joybellion.

Let’s be honest: the “big penis” trope is less about biology and more about psychological warfare. If men are freaking out over whether they’re “enough” and women are managing fragile egos (and pelvic floors), no one has the energy to ask for things like respect, emotional safety, or here’s a wild idea, actual pleasure. It keeps everyone massaging the wrong prize.

It’s one of many cultural stories we swallow without question. The ones that insist:

• You’re not successful without a mortgage.

• You’re not fulfilled without motherhood.

• You’re not attractive unless you’re thin, young, and filtered.

• You’re past your prime at 40, 50, or 60—so be grateful for any crumbs of attention.

Same energy, different script.

By midlife, living by these rules becomes untenable. We’ve been performing the emotional, domestic, and sexual labor of “keeping the peace” for decades. That scene in Dying for Sex was the opening to a larger conversation about the status quo “standards” placed upon us. At some point, “that’s just how it is” became a collective lullaby, putting us to sleep at the wheel of our own lives while the best parts of us slowly wither in the backseat.

What if we scrutinized each cultural norm the way we would an unsolicited dick pic:

• Did I ask for this?

• Is this actually for my benefit?

• Do I want to keep seeing it, or is it time to hit delete?

Big penises are not the be-all, end-all. Neither is the house, the baby, the body, the job title, or whatever else culture is currently waving in our faces as proof of worth. We’re wildly overqualified to challenge these scripts and ask if they actually work for us because we’ve lived long enough to see how often they fail us.

Midlife isn’t the epilogue—it’s the rewrite. We’re not here to politely clap for someone else’s fantasy of our lives. We’re here to author our own, one joyful act of rebellion at a time. I call it a Joybellion.

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Wanna be a part of the Joybellion? This isn't just a rant; it's a practice. If you’re ready to channel your rebellion into something transformative, come to Holy Rage—a mini-workshop designed to prioritize our liberation over "keeping the peace."

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